Friday, November 2, 2007

Hard to Trust Anyone!

It is hard to trust anyone I have been used by and back stabbed by everyone I ever cared about! I met a girl at my job that seems to be so much like me it is crazy lol But you can tell she has had man problems as I have and being a single mom and also a hard time getting along with her mom as I do!

This is why I would rather be alone then let someone in my heart and life! My mom is dating a looser but I don't think I liked anyone she has ever been with! She is an alcoholic as well as my birth father and I just can't be around an alcoholic! I have an ex that is one also and it worries me that my son with him could be prone to it and he is a 17 yr old boy now (the age to experience it all) But he does know I don't drink and I hope he knows the difference as he say he does!

But anyhow, I am bothered because I never had someone in my life to be real and true to whom they say they are and I am starting to think I just may stay single forever because I will never settle for someone I can't count on and trust fully...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The hurt never goes away!

When you have been through abusive relationships the hurt never goes away! I had someone the other day talk of a friend that was in an abusive relationship and kept going back and how they was disgusted with them and like they deserved it! Well I was in the same type of relationship for 7 yrs and I went back the first time because I had no place else to go and the second he sweet talked me so much and the third I was tired of trying to support 3 boys on my own and never having enough help! But one time I had a dream on a Friday night that someone died and that very weekend we was out in the boat and stopped by a place that we actually met at 7 yrs ago to that day and that place and a guy died on his jet ski and my exs friends was all showing off on theirs all the time trying to show each other up and think they somehow contributed to the guy hitting the plier under the bridge we watched from the boat why they carried him up to US 19 and the ambulance take him away and yes he did die! Soon after that during the holidays my ex as usual got mean and abusive to me and my boys and I knew it was time to leave for good that day of our last anniversary,, I knew our relationship was dead for good (sorry for the pun) But I left him for good on New years (New year New me) I did not even open my x-mas gift from him that x-mas as just before it was the first time he actually punched me (before it was all rage and mental abuse all the time and a few times he did try to smother me with a pillow and once he stuck his finger down my throat) Funny thing was when we met I was with an alcoholic and he used to say why would you be with a mean drunk and take that from him ect...But anyhow after he punched me in the back of the head just because when I woke up (from the couch he got me in the habit because when I breastfeed I would wake him up so I slept on the couch a lot)But he woke me up and ask what a bag (shopping) was that was on the other couch and I said I don't know... I had a big ole knot and was even worried if I needed to have it looked at but that was when I planned my leave I knew I had to start packing stuff in secret and plan my leave (I knew it had to be done without him knowing! I hid out for 5 months in a spouse abuse shelter afraid for my life while we went to court and all that but he caught up with me once before when I was taking my boys to school he pulled up behind me and blocked me in!) I had to go thru some hard times for 3 years then being a single mom but I never went back ..My next relationship was a friend not really abusive per say but was not in love with him in the way I thought I could be, so now its been 6 years and 2 abusive relationship and one was no attraction and now I am afraid to trust again!
But yes it can be hard for a woman to leave for good but, even when we finally do it, it lives in our minds for life as it is part of a past that if I forget it, it will never be dealt with for me and to help others and just be swept under the rug as most do! Plus when you have a kid you have to still deal with this person even at a distance you don't see it as much but from time to time they have to be dealt with and man it sucks and to keep my sons knowing that is wrong to behave like that yet still have to respect them as a dad! It sucks big time so yes abuse stays forever to effect the ones it abused!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Years of Abuse is Hard to Forget!

It is amazing how much abuse impacts ones life! I have been single for almost 6 years now and away from abuse but when I least expect it, It comes back to haunt me! I am very afraid to trust people or bring new people into my life!

My first experience with abuse all started when I was a very young girl and it was mental verbal and psychical and even sexual abuse! No one in the family ever wanted to admit it! And it was my step-dad whom me and my sister a year younger called dad, he did have one biological child with my mom my youngest sister! We traveled a lot and even lived in Guatemala a year! We was all blonds and got a lot of attention for being a beautiful white picked fence family! We went to church and that's where I got lost (for someone to do that to a little girl then set in the face of God and worship him all the while knowing what you did or do)

My mom did finally divorce him after around 12 yrs of marriage but right around that time our house burnt down and it was the scariest thing in my life I was in 7th grade and I got picked up from school by my moms real estate (work) friend and drove to the house (we went inside and the whole house was charred black but we took a few things out of the drawers and the insurance guys said to leave it there I remember having to put it back in the garage (also I remember feeling bad for the hamster (my sisters) fried in its cage and the goldfish that boiled) But that night we stayed at a neighbors home and I remember my mom looking out the window screaming Les (my ex-step dad and yes I feel a need to add the jerks name) (she did have a boyfriend at the time I also did not like named Kirk) In fact they married not long after and I had to be in the wedding I did not want to so my mom made me talk to the pastor..I did end up being in the wedding but when her daughters said we give her away I did not say yes nor did I actually even smile thru the whole wedding! But back to the fire, I could not sleep that night very good and our house was never put out all the way and that night it burnt all the way down to nothing! I sometimes wonder if my step dad went back to make sure it was all gone because they did suspect it to be arson (witness saw someone run away) was on the news also but could never prove it and they blamed it on a fault microwave wire..But I did tell the court (after I raised the wrong hand lol that I thought he did it but again no one listened or cared! My mom even sent us to his home after to have her free time till I refused to ever go again!

My real dad we only saw for a few years and never again until I was 16 after I sorta ran away for 2 days lol then I came to Florida to meet him! I kept in touch with him until 12 years ago and that's a whole nother story lol But I have a charm on my chain from him that says "someone special" But as with my mom the alcohol and a partner is whats special to them!

I guess that's what started the change in me from all American girl (cheerleader girl scouts baton gymnastics track JA Home Makers of America wrestlerette choir organ I took steno sec stuff in High school I did do things a lot but I moved every year almost) Not good for making friends long or fitting in always being the new girl! I did have friends (prep and jock) but moving made it hard to keep in touch! But one friend from right around the time the fire ect happened named Holly called the other day and she made me laugh so hard I miss that!

But I have seen so many men that abuse women and it is sad! I am trying to figure out how to instill in my own boys (4 of them) ironic that's what I had lol but how to give them the values to not be abusive as their dads could be! They are sweet boys and I get a lot of praise about them ect but it is odd to know how to discuss the issues with them or what and when and how much to tell them of my past!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

This Guy Knows About Making Money!

This guy knows about making money and is a family man!
Need more money to get out of and abusive relationship?
Check out this guys site!
I am on the site also with my moneyspaceonline profile and I do have a link on here to my page and you can also sign up on there!
You can also add one of these widgets to your own website or blog!

He is a big help and active also to make all of us more $$$s

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Domestic Violence

I found a couple of very cool sites for women or men lol ;-) On domestic violence!

This is a blog I found on Domestic Violence!

They have some good blogs here on laws ect.

I have always found good facts and help on red flags or any other question with abuse!

This is very cool for spouse abuse and and womens rights!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

No Excuse For Abuse!

Stop Spouse Abuse!
There is no excuse for abuse!

If you seen me walking down the street you may never know the abuse I have been through by all the men in my life! I guess it goes way back to my real dad then my step-dad then all them men I ever had in my life! I see it everywhere! I have known many men and even women with this abusive nature!

It seems to always be swept under the carpet and hidden in the closet (no I don't mean my clutter from my 4 boys lol well maybe that has to be cleaned also lol) But even with the kids, when I was in the spouse abuse shelters they did not deal with the kids mental problem or feeling towards anything that they was feeling about it. And yes I did ask the staff! Maybe they don't want to get involved! But I have seen some sad cases with kids and feel so bad for them they are the ones who suffer! How do you raise kids to rise above it all?

I think alot of abuse stems from anger management self worth and control, power and or mental unhappiness and or a learned trait! Even the most honest caring people have had bad days or moments but the ones who go past the limit and take it out on others need help but most would never admit it or maybe can't see it the same way like an alcoholic cant feel they are one once they had 20 drinks lol But abuse is made worse by alcohol but have been with one guy who was abusive more without was a social drinker and fine with a beer or to but abusive when sober! I think it is a mental problem!

I am afraid to trust in people, specially men, how do you get over it and specially raising boys to let them know how to treat women without making it sound like all guys are dogs lol I just try to keep them knowing they need to respect women and know they know how their dads act is not right! But it is a hard thing to deal with!

Men who abuse are the nicest most exciting men on the outside! its behind closed doors they play the mental dance! Once they draw you in! You see the real them like no other! You also try to hide it! I went back many times before I did leave for good and finally had enough! To this day he still try to get me back and is a very hard man to resist lol but all the memories always come back all the tears and the fear was like death creeping in! I had to hide out for a month at a time when I would leave until he would cool down well a little lol been gone from him for many years like 9 but we have a son so I have to deal with him! He was married to a lawyer (go figure I had 2 injunctions on him ect) They had a baby but now are splitsville and he even got money out of it all! Go figure this is what abused women are up against lol

I used to have a web page dedicated to this but with blogs being so hot this is a good way to get this off my chest and maybe help someone else going threw the pain to know they are not alone! I am single 6 years now and will never go that route again but then again one never knows what goes on behind closed doors until they live with it!