Monday, September 24, 2007

Years of Abuse is Hard to Forget!

It is amazing how much abuse impacts ones life! I have been single for almost 6 years now and away from abuse but when I least expect it, It comes back to haunt me! I am very afraid to trust people or bring new people into my life!

My first experience with abuse all started when I was a very young girl and it was mental verbal and psychical and even sexual abuse! No one in the family ever wanted to admit it! And it was my step-dad whom me and my sister a year younger called dad, he did have one biological child with my mom my youngest sister! We traveled a lot and even lived in Guatemala a year! We was all blonds and got a lot of attention for being a beautiful white picked fence family! We went to church and that's where I got lost (for someone to do that to a little girl then set in the face of God and worship him all the while knowing what you did or do)

My mom did finally divorce him after around 12 yrs of marriage but right around that time our house burnt down and it was the scariest thing in my life I was in 7th grade and I got picked up from school by my moms real estate (work) friend and drove to the house (we went inside and the whole house was charred black but we took a few things out of the drawers and the insurance guys said to leave it there I remember having to put it back in the garage (also I remember feeling bad for the hamster (my sisters) fried in its cage and the goldfish that boiled) But that night we stayed at a neighbors home and I remember my mom looking out the window screaming Les (my ex-step dad and yes I feel a need to add the jerks name) (she did have a boyfriend at the time I also did not like named Kirk) In fact they married not long after and I had to be in the wedding I did not want to so my mom made me talk to the pastor..I did end up being in the wedding but when her daughters said we give her away I did not say yes nor did I actually even smile thru the whole wedding! But back to the fire, I could not sleep that night very good and our house was never put out all the way and that night it burnt all the way down to nothing! I sometimes wonder if my step dad went back to make sure it was all gone because they did suspect it to be arson (witness saw someone run away) was on the news also but could never prove it and they blamed it on a fault microwave wire..But I did tell the court (after I raised the wrong hand lol that I thought he did it but again no one listened or cared! My mom even sent us to his home after to have her free time till I refused to ever go again!

My real dad we only saw for a few years and never again until I was 16 after I sorta ran away for 2 days lol then I came to Florida to meet him! I kept in touch with him until 12 years ago and that's a whole nother story lol But I have a charm on my chain from him that says "someone special" But as with my mom the alcohol and a partner is whats special to them!

I guess that's what started the change in me from all American girl (cheerleader girl scouts baton gymnastics track JA Home Makers of America wrestlerette choir organ I took steno sec stuff in High school I did do things a lot but I moved every year almost) Not good for making friends long or fitting in always being the new girl! I did have friends (prep and jock) but moving made it hard to keep in touch! But one friend from right around the time the fire ect happened named Holly called the other day and she made me laugh so hard I miss that!

But I have seen so many men that abuse women and it is sad! I am trying to figure out how to instill in my own boys (4 of them) ironic that's what I had lol but how to give them the values to not be abusive as their dads could be! They are sweet boys and I get a lot of praise about them ect but it is odd to know how to discuss the issues with them or what and when and how much to tell them of my past!
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