Sunday, October 21, 2007

The hurt never goes away!

When you have been through abusive relationships the hurt never goes away! I had someone the other day talk of a friend that was in an abusive relationship and kept going back and how they was disgusted with them and like they deserved it! Well I was in the same type of relationship for 7 yrs and I went back the first time because I had no place else to go and the second he sweet talked me so much and the third I was tired of trying to support 3 boys on my own and never having enough help! But one time I had a dream on a Friday night that someone died and that very weekend we was out in the boat and stopped by a place that we actually met at 7 yrs ago to that day and that place and a guy died on his jet ski and my exs friends was all showing off on theirs all the time trying to show each other up and think they somehow contributed to the guy hitting the plier under the bridge we watched from the boat why they carried him up to US 19 and the ambulance take him away and yes he did die! Soon after that during the holidays my ex as usual got mean and abusive to me and my boys and I knew it was time to leave for good that day of our last anniversary,, I knew our relationship was dead for good (sorry for the pun) But I left him for good on New years (New year New me) I did not even open my x-mas gift from him that x-mas as just before it was the first time he actually punched me (before it was all rage and mental abuse all the time and a few times he did try to smother me with a pillow and once he stuck his finger down my throat) Funny thing was when we met I was with an alcoholic and he used to say why would you be with a mean drunk and take that from him ect...But anyhow after he punched me in the back of the head just because when I woke up (from the couch he got me in the habit because when I breastfeed I would wake him up so I slept on the couch a lot)But he woke me up and ask what a bag (shopping) was that was on the other couch and I said I don't know... I had a big ole knot and was even worried if I needed to have it looked at but that was when I planned my leave I knew I had to start packing stuff in secret and plan my leave (I knew it had to be done without him knowing! I hid out for 5 months in a spouse abuse shelter afraid for my life while we went to court and all that but he caught up with me once before when I was taking my boys to school he pulled up behind me and blocked me in!) I had to go thru some hard times for 3 years then being a single mom but I never went back ..My next relationship was a friend not really abusive per say but was not in love with him in the way I thought I could be, so now its been 6 years and 2 abusive relationship and one was no attraction and now I am afraid to trust again!
But yes it can be hard for a woman to leave for good but, even when we finally do it, it lives in our minds for life as it is part of a past that if I forget it, it will never be dealt with for me and to help others and just be swept under the rug as most do! Plus when you have a kid you have to still deal with this person even at a distance you don't see it as much but from time to time they have to be dealt with and man it sucks and to keep my sons knowing that is wrong to behave like that yet still have to respect them as a dad! It sucks big time so yes abuse stays forever to effect the ones it abused!
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